SOMETHING ELSE, SOMETHING NEW

I have been through a lot. I have been through things that my best friends don't even know about. I have been through things that i haven't told anyone. Because of the things that i've been through, i have on EXTREMELY hard time trusting people. I know you're thinking, "yeah, i do too." but for me it's to the point where i question every little thing that someone says, and i overthinking everything to the max. Along with tis,  put my guard up. When i meet someone whi is as nice and swet as you, my automatic instinct is, NO. GET AWAY. I'M GOING TO BE BROKEN AGAIN! I know this is bad. I'm working on it. I'm trying. But when this happens, it's nothing personal, and i don't want you to think it is. GOD all i want is for you tostay, but my anxiety tells me otherwise. Please don't be angry; but i know this is going to happen a lot. It's just who i am. When i push you awa, i just want you to stay. Stay.

We live in a world where if you say the wrong answer in class, you get laughed at. Where if you dress a certain way, you get looked at. Where if your grades aren't as good as others, you're stupid. Where people say "you need to aest more" or "you need to loose weight." We live in a world where people don't know the things that others are going through. Where if you don't know what you wanna do with your life, you won't have one. Where if you have no design brand clothes you're poor. Where if you have made out with 3 guys you're a whore, but if you haven't kissed any you're a prude. Where if you aren't part of the "in crowd", you're a loser. We live in a world where we are all expect to live up to other people's expectations. Where one word can make someone end their life. Where we constantly judge people. We live in a world where being yourself, isn't accepted.

Sometimes, i suppose i'm happy. When i'm with my friends, throwing my head back and covering my mouth as i shake with laughter at a joke someone just made. But then the day turns into an unexplainable sadness. I lay in bed, thinking about all the things i wish i could say, all the things i'm too afraid to admit even with only pen paper and mind. It's nights like this when i realize i am many things. I am happy and sad, outgoing and shy, rambunctious and quiet. But mostly, i'm empty.